​​I took the year 2021 off. I did not write one thing, give a speech, model in a photoshoot, I barely posted on social media, and I did not release a single issue of this magazine after a decade of faithfully communicating from this medium every season. I needed time to reset my palate, to affirm that my voice was still needed here and that my contribution in this form remains meaningful. I took a break because those who do not become stale, dulled, and burnt out -- losing their command of God within them. 

During my year-long sabbatical, thousands of people unfollowed or unfriended me across all social media platforms. As a result, I became less popular which equates to less money or opportunities for many. This is one version of what pressure looks like in today's mental health culture; I vogued through this pressure all of my 20’s being The Coverboy. Today, I am friends with many people in our community, both celebrities in status and those who are simply doing the work: all dealing with pressure to meet the status quo, the standard of excellence, or keep up with Mary, whomever that may be. 

Breaks allow cracks of space for the change to seep in. We must change what bell hooks calls “the scale of evaluation” for our lives. We need space to rebuild our temples, time to taste and see all the things we did not choose during our work. We need freedom to discover the mendacities of our own lives we otherwise would not see, so that we may truly live.

Last year I fumbled gracefully as I navigated two yearnings, one of indulging comfort and the newly experienced privilege that I know my ancestors have paid for with their lives. If you are able to chase fantasies with resources, why wouldn't you? Two, holding myself accountable and conscious of the work I am alive to do as the sense of urgency tick-tocks through the galloping blood in my veins. One requires surrender and allowances that offer no afterthought; the other requires consistency and discipline made relentlessly clear.

What I’ve Come to Know this year is that our struggle is not with what we see and experience as adversaries in front of us. Our battle is with ourselves. “If there is no enemy within, the enemy outside can do us no harm.” We are at war with the divinity breaking through on the inside of us, the fight against our own self-sabotage and procrastination. We must honor ourselves by cultivating practices that move us forward while getting out of our own way. While on sabbatical this year, I read a lot. These words have been a constant as I've changed and evolved in 2021.